We have evaluated every prison in Canada for prospective inmates. Here are the four that came out on top.
1. Collins Bay Institution – Dubbed the ‘Gladiator School’, this multi-level correctional facility offers prospective inmates with an education in shank-fashioning and hooch chemistry. The Chateau-style roofs make prisoners feel like they’re in Disneyland except with lots more barbed wire and you can’t leave for two or more years. This prison scored #1 in the multi-level category and #3 in the medium security ranking. Extra points were given for only having one escape in January of this year.
2. Special Handling Unit – An Ivy League prison often referred to as the ‘Gitmo of the North.’ Only the most well-known inmates are permitted to join this selective club, which is ranked #1 in the supermax category. The SHU provides free and mandatory handcuffs in the presence of guards and you’ll be able to get whatever work you need to get done in the 22 hours of isolation in a 2m by 3m room. Some current members of this elite club include Hell’s Angels boss Maurice ‘Ma’ Boucher and terrorism plotter Shareef Abdelhaleem.
3. Stony Mountain Institution – Continuing its long history of colonizing people since 1877, Stony Mountain ranked #2 in the medium security prison category. Inmates have many fraternity groups to choose from such as the dozens of Winnipeg street gangs if they’re not already members. On some occasions, fraternities will compete with each other in friendly games of throwing the flaming mattress. The institution is noted for its strong entrepreneurial business development and innovation in the drug smuggling and dealing industry.
4. Dorchester Institution – Another historic prison from 1880, the rehabilitation policies are as old as the prison walls. If you have the misfortune of dying in Dorchester, guards will not inform your family of the circumstances of your death just to make it easier on them. Also, they’ll insist they weren’t responsible for it either. Oh, and it has its own wind turbine!