Intelligence Agencies allege Russian campaign to disseminate fake horoscopes

WASHINGTON D.C. – Former CIA Director John Brennan briefed members of Congress this morning, alleging a massive cyber disinformation campaign waged by Russia to circulate misleading and even false horoscopes among the American populace.

“Our worst fears have come to pass – American astrology has been compromised,” explained the veteran intelligence officer in a closed-door Senate hearing. Brennan went on to outline how, since early 2016, millions of Americans had based crucial day-to-day decisions on faulty astrological intel.

“Only time will tell how many ‘new opportunities’ and ‘chances for personal growth’ were missed as a result.”

The now-unclassified report alleges that high tech Russian operatives, working at the behest of Vladimir Putin, sought to sow chaos and mistrust in the American populace by tampering with their most trusted star sign information.

“For example,” Brennan explained, “last year countless Geminis were given horoscopes actually meant for Capricorns. This undoubtedly caused them to miss out on meeting several romantic someones, and led to people doubting their ability to ask difficult questions at the office.”

Many Americans reported being “disturbed” by the news that Russia had influenced them without their knowledge.

“I’ve been walking around sure that my important number was 4,” remarked John Waverley. “What the hell is my important number!”

Other examples of the chaos unfolding included a Pisces marrying a Taurus by accident and numerous people in Iowa “taking a leap” they should not have taken.

However President Trump appears unconcerned by the reports, already tweeting that the “REAL FAKE HOROSCOPES” are all the news sites predicting he is dragging America into WWIII, and claiming he needs to go somewhere and just focus on loving him for him.