BRANTFORD, ON – Traumatized victims are attempting to move on with their lives after witnessing a disastrous attempt by local man Ian Pendergast to cut a loaf of fresh bread into equal slices at a family dinner last night.
“I gave him the job of cutting the bread,” said Judy Barlow, Ian’s mother-in-law and owner of the kitchen where the drama unfolded. “I thought it would be an easy job for him and it would make him feel useful. I should have known better.”
Pendergast, a 36-year-old father of two – completely inexperienced and ill-equipped for the task – reportedly started off by cutting a slice that was really skinny at the top and huge at the bottom. Sources say later slices disappeared into nothing midway through and had several inexplicable holes in the centre. Several witnesses recall slices that Pendergast tried to, in his words, “give a haircut to,” by cutting off chunks of too-thick bread, but his attempts to cover his mistakes ultimately made things worse.
“It was brutal. I told him he was squishing the bread with his other hand,” said Mary, a judgemental cousin. “But then he got snappy at me. He kept screaming ‘yeah, I know!’ but I don’t think he did know. I don’t think he knows how to cut fresh bread.”
“It was a perfect storm really,” said Police sergeant Mark Toplotsky. “Dull knife, bread that was too soft. Not a job for an amateur.”
Police recommend that people trying to cut fresh bread for the first time consider their cutting angle carefully before proceeding, or get their bread cut at the bakery like a sane person would do.
“Well it still tastes like bread, right?” Pendergast said in his defense. He then muttered “bread is bread…” for five minutes before falling into a catatonic state.
Judy explained that the stricken family members had a brief visitation with the remains of the ill-fated loaf, which were then “thrown into the backyard so the birds could eat it.”