Super Bowl 51: Who Will Win?!?

Super Bowl 51 is upon us.

(Yes, Super Bowl 51. We aren’t caving in to Roger Goodell and the NFL overlords and using any dumb roman numerals here, okay?!?)

The most-watched sporting event of the year will pit the New England Patriots against the Atlanta Falcons, with the latter striving to win their first-ever Super Bowl title and the former aiming for its fifth.

It’s Tom Brady versus Matt Ryan! It’s Bill Belichick versus Dan Quinn!

In the minds of many, it’s the Evil Empire against The Only Force Remaining in the World That Can Stop Said Evil Empire.

Those are the players involved.

But who will win the game?!?

WHY THE PATRIOTS WILL WIN:

1. They have Brady. He’s been here before, many times. He won’t feel the pressure of the game, he’ll be motivated to show that DeflateGate nonsense up Goodell’s rear end and… oh… he’s REALLY good at football.

2. They have Belichick. He’s the best football coach of all-time. He may be the best professional coach of all-time in any sport anywhere ever.

3. They have Dion Lewis. The Patriots are 16-0 in games the last 16 games he’s played for them. Amazing, but true.

4. Because Donald Trump is President. Brady, Belichick and owner Robert Kraft are admitted Trump supporters. Chalk it up to fate or to Trump doing something deceitful to help New England come out on top, but everything in America is simply coming up Trump these days.

5. Atlanta lacks a strong pass rush. In New England’s two previous Super Bowl defeats, both to the New York Giants, the opposition was able to generate pressure on Brady from its front four alone. This is not a strong suit for the Falcons.

1. They have Matt Ryan. He threw for 38 touchdowns and just seven interceptions this year. He should win the MVP.

2. They have Julio Jones. Probably the best wide receiver in football, he’s a threat to score any time he touches the ball.

3. They have all of America cheering them on. If you don’t reside in or around Boston, you are very likely pleading with the Falcons to knock off a team you consider to be full of liars, cheaters and jerks.

4. It’s just Atlanta’s year. The FX program literally named after this city just won multiple Golden Globe Awards and is considered by many critics to be the best show on television.

5. They can score, too. The Patriots have entered every Super Bowl they’ve played in during this era with the best offense of the two teams involved. But that won’t be the case this time around. The Falcons are equipped for a shoot-out.

There are cases for both the Patriots and the Falcons to come out on top. But here’s the thing:

Only one team can win. That’s just a fact.

So forget how Luke Bryan will do with the national anthem for a moment. And try not to think about the crazy halftime show Lady Gaga will definitely put on.